A Dog's Life

Foul or groggy will be best adjective to describe me lately.

I’m just …well, just not feeling all chirpy and tra la la. Ain’t too sure what’s the deal behind all these jazz but hey, I really don’t wanna dig deep into that pile of shite and smear myself further with brownie smudges.

Fuck it la !

All I know is I’m feeling a bit direction-less at the moment. Not to mention pretty much stagnant in many aspect of my life.

And way way way fucken HUGE. Any moment now and the friction between my two lovely thighs will be creating sparks, I kid you not !

Either that or I’ll start gathering tinder to kick-start a sacrificial ceremony real soon.

Life is a bitch, and I’m her mutt !

If I'm A Simpson

This will be moi.

Name : Lola Seymour

Actual Name : Olufunmilola Simisola. African Yoruba name meaning “wealthy bitch”.

Age : Wey, none of yuo biznest !

Occupation : Call-center Witch

Marital Status : Fabulously single

Sexual Orientation : 90% hetero and 10% carpet muncher

Height : 175 cm

Weight : Fuck-off !

Biography :
Born in state of Nassarawa, Nigeria into a family of 11 before ‘migrating’ to USA at the tender age of 31. Lamenting the fact that there's no Mr. Right in Nigeria. Currently living in an apartment in the suburb of Springfield with two cats and three parrots. Dropped out from the Obafemi Awolowo University during her third year English Lit degree claiming irreconcilable differences. Previous jobs varies from runway plus-size model, kindergarten teacher to a casino croupier.

Clothing Style : Designer togs from Wal-mart. Loves skull prints and fitting pants.

Speaking Style :
Usually preachy and long-winded in heavily accented Pidgin Nigerian English. Normally spoken with spirit, emotion and a lot of gesticulations. Will sprout some Yoruba cuss words when agitated.

Dislike : Hates being called a babe. Or being told how lovely her butt is.

Likes : Accessorizing. The occasional ciggies session. And Apu.

General Demeanor : Aloof. And very much angsty.

Hobbies : Knitting. Eating. And watching Days of Our Lives.

Best qualities : Can talk. Good listener.

Worst qualities : Talk too much. Bad advisor.

Weaknesses : Fried chicken.

Talent : Can do a Nigerian Mariah Carey impersonation wonderfully well !

Favourite Phrase : 'Stupid man, no bi me break yua goat leg o!'

I Blame It On Chu !

Body pump, specifically.

Silly ol me really. There I was, one fine evening, looking at the GX schedule, flipped my inner blond pubes, and before I realised it, pirouetted meself to that bitch of a class for the very first time.

Urghhh …

Body pump is all about ego, I tell ya. Those girls in my class are like on steroid or something. They were practically lifting plates 10 kg heavier than their bosoms.

And when dykes girls are like lifting lorries, now, surely a plump Dorothy like me can't simply lift a measly 2 kg, right ?

So, being the flaming piece of virgin crack that I am, I insisted on lifting 10 kg for the whole duration too. Yes, even during that bloody triceps session, damnit.

Aye shall not look like a pruned pussy !

And because of that, I'm shite ... My whole body is literally on strike, now. Can't even spread my legs without screaming like a bitch in heat.

Urghhh ...

The ache so unbearable that I had to "drag" me arse here to fix meself some much needed man-to-man sensual restorative kneading.

Oh life ! Heh.